Today is my Friday.  I'm taking off work tomorrow because I'm going to a conference on Saturday.  Then I'll be out of the office all Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday because I'll be at the IST.  I think it will feel nice, even though I know I have things I want to accomplish.

I had a great time last night at church.  I had a really awesome table discussion with my group.  I love helping out with that class; it really energizes me.

I grabbed a brochure for the Ministry Institute at my church.  The next quarter begins in January and the class offered is the Pentateuch.  My background in OT is weak, at best.  I only took 3 OT classes at Prairie (the bare minimum) because until my last semester there, the teachers were not up to par, in my opinion.  (Some of which was circumstantial.)  But TC gave me an appreciation for the OT and a desire to learn more, so this could be a great opportunity to do so.

Well, I'm looking at the time, and since I need to stop by the ATM on my way to work, I have to get myself ready to leave. 

[I don't often write about men on here.  Or perhaps you think I do, but for the amount of time I spend with men, I don't often write about them.]

There is a guy I know who I heard about from mutual friends before I met him.  What they had to say was not negative, per se, but it didn't give him much credit.  After meeting this guy, it took me awhile to connect who I knew with who I had heard about because I found them so opposite.  I don't necessarily doubt the things I've heard; I just have yet to see them.  Our conversations are always good and have left me impressed with this guy.  I see a depth in him that my friends never mentioned, so I am not sure if they have not seen it or if they choose to ignore it in light of more "interesting" characteristics.

I'd like to get to know this guy better, but without him realizing that I am trying to do that.  Plus, I'd like to get to know him better without my friends realizing it.  But I think he's a real quality guy.  So how does one go from being acquaintances who talk on occasion to acquaintances who talk more often/hang out?  How do you do the cell phone # exchange without it being like "Here's my cell phone #"?  How do you say "We should do coffee sometime" without it sounding like you're asking him on a date?  And how do you do it all without your friends noticing if you only ever talk to him in public?

I'd like to avoid the whole Christian fishbowl experience where any girl who hangs out with any guy must be interested in him (and vice a versa).  Although I suspect that is not possible.

I keep having these moments of (almost) panic when I think about my future.  I often fear I am just spinning my wheels.  Lands, I am 27, and I live with my parents, and I work a dead end job (dead end in the sense that next August, I am left where I started: jobless).  Technically it falls under the category of "Volunteerism," but who thought that was a good idea at my age?

I'm fighting a lot of feelings of discouragement, but a difference between now and the past is that I am working to make it better instead of just giving up right away. 

But regardless of the here and now, what about the not so far future?  What am I ever going to do with myself?  I want to move out; I want to support myself; I want to have a job I find fulfilling.

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  This is way harder to do than to say.

Today is a caffeine morning.

There is a class I help out with at church for new Christians or people who have questions about being a Christian, etc.  I really enjoy helping with it, more than I could have ever imagined.  And selfishly, it reminds me of what is important to faith (rather than getting caught up in the little doctrinal details we all like to focus on).

This quarter, I've been helping to lead the class.  Tonight it is again my turn to lead, but did I remember to prepare, even though it was written in my planner?  Nope.  Which means today I will scramble to become familiar with the topic and to come up with a personal story that will adequately address the issue in a colloquial manner.  I think I will leave work early...

The two ministries I'm involved in (the above mentioned and kids' ministry) are awesome.  Sunday mornings are a highlight for me: my first grade class is amazing and I love thinking of ways to make it more effective and enjoyable for the kids.  And Wednesdays rejuvenate me. 

I like being involved in meaningful ways.  I still remember a quote from one of my textbooks: "Moses was no armchair theologian."  And it has convicted me to try my best to not become simply an armchair theologian.  I think that getting involved keeps my head out of the theological clouds (to which I am so inclined).

God is good.

There are things I want in life that I think I prevent myself from having.  (I am not speaking in a material sense.)  I think my problem is with comprehension, as in, I cannot comprehend it happening in my life.  And so I do what I can to keep it at arm's length, always wondering why it isn't closer or what would happen if it were.

My life is full of preemptive strikes.  And self sabotage.

I think I'm getting better, but I think that only leads to what looks like inconsistency in my life.  My heart is rarely inconsistent; its my head that takes over.  Or perhaps its fear that imbibes my head?

Regardless, in the last year (or really, since February), I have been trying to live my life more consistently with what I want out of it.  And maybe someday, practice will make perfect.

One can hope.